Monday, August 30, 2004

The ipod

The follow text is may contain graphical language and sentences not suitable for ipod owners. If you own an ipod, the management would strongly recommend you exit this site and visit some other site more friendly to your eyes. Something like www.disney.com/ so shoo!

What is it with the ipod. Have you notice anyone around you with the ipod? Have you tried talking to them about the ipod? Trust me, don't.

There is a similarity inherent in all ipod users I have met. They are one group of cocky little fellas, I'll tell you that.

Just the other day, I was on the train and these 3 army guys boarded the train at Paya Lebar. preparing for the tedious ride to Chua Chu Kang and I guess a few other places, cause, its gotta be quite the coincidence for all 3 to be living in CCK. Unless they were brothers that is. But it be kinda odd since they all have different surnames and all. Maybe same mom lots of dads...

Anyway, they were preparing for the long ride and so, the guys starts pulling out their respective audio devices. The first guy whips out his trusty Sony discman and the third.... he pulls out... the IPOD. Now learn how to pronounce it properly. Or the legion of ipod-ers will hunt you down. Its pronounced THE I-POD. Special attention to the word THE, you really have to enunciate that word. And then say IPOD as if you were Al Queda terrorists invoking the name of Allah. So these guys start talking. The guy with THE IPOD is like going on about how he got THE IPOD the first thing when it came out onto the market. The second guy now engages the third guy in conversation. He's going, "I use mp3 CDs, but I have this problem cuz ahead nero burns my tracks in alphabetical order so I cant put my tracks in the order that i like them in." The third guys replies, "Oh!! really.. WELL i dont have THIS kinda problem. i use THE IPOD. and with the IPOD i can have... brace for this... PLAYLISTS!"

Then the second guy goes, "oh really? thats cool" to which the third guy goes, "Yea! and not only that... i can have SEVERAL playlists.." Several ladies and gentlemen, not one not two but several. That's right people the IPOD can a million and one functions. Its not just an audio device, its a jukebox. conventional music players do this while the IPOD can do all of that and MORE! Plus, its a fashion statement. If u dont have an IPOD, you aint cool. Look at that guy, he's using an AIWA. EWWWWW~ The IPOD is a lifestyle my friends. Oh yar, and btw, the IPOD costs like $1,000,000. Okay so maybe it costs about $600. Small difference. Who cares about the price, its an IPOD. $600 isnt too much to pay for a music player what with all its fancy functions. An IPOD can do just about everything. And that's just one. God noes what may happen if u owned more than one IPOD. I heard that if you own 3 IPOD's, a genie grants you 3 wishes. If you have 4 you understand women. Lets not go to what happens if you own 5. I hear they gun down those people. Too dangerous to be left alive what with them being in possession of 5 IPOD's.

At this point the first guy's twisting the head of the control attached to the earphones to select a track. To which the third guy smirks and goes, "Will you look at that? Hehe, its like a bloody remote control." then he looks down at this IPOD to further punctuate the fact the IPOD's remote is really small in comparison. But the way i see it, it just looks fatter. ITS a remote! the IPOD's remote is also a remote! what the hell is he saying? its like a bloody remote, well then maybe thats becuz, it IS! i guess he was implying to say it looked like a television remote but whatever.

Lets not even go to the IPOD armour. Its a 65 dollar metal casing to protect the IPOD. prevent it from getting scratched. no impact resistance though. dang for 65 bucks, my protective cover had better protect. its gotta be scratch proof, waterproof, shockproof. the damn thing better be tested on the moon. For 65 bucks i'll buy bubblewrap. and eat KFC with wat's left. At least i'll be full, my discman will be protected and i can listen to music while poping the bubbles.

My friend says im bitching about the IPOD simply cuz i cant afford one and that i feel inadequate. I think i dont need an audio device that costs 600 bucks. i'd rather have a dinner buffet at the Ritz. Fair warning to all, IPOD users are damn hell cocky son of a bitches. The IPOD transforms reasonable men to demons. Its voodoo i tell u. like teletubbies. Goodnite everybody.

Maybe they aren't all cocky but i think enuff of them are. Like the M*T yo yo's. mostly screwed up.


Vincent has left the building! [5:52 PM]
Food is a many splendid thing, food lift us up where we belong... All u need is food!

***

Monday, August 09, 2004

The Story of Ha and Chew

Chapter 8

The lamp hanging from the ceiling swayed lightly from side to side providing faint illumination for the otherwise dark room. In the center sat a table; an old wooden table, its surface worn away from decades of use. Three people sat in the room: two sat at the table while the last stood near the door.

"..... and as such I would strongly advise you to admit to your transgressions and perhaps I could recommend for a more... lenient course of actions to take against you, Mr Chew." Finishing what he had to say, the man leaned back against his chair. He looked quite mysterious what with the light from the lamp casting a shadow upon his face hiding most if not all his facial features.

"I swear, I wasn't making any prank calls. Why won't believe..." It would seem that Chew would once again be unable to finish his sentence for as soon as he spoke to deny the accusation, the man standing at the door would forcefully cut him mid-sentence. The proverbial bad cop played his part well.

"Not making any prank calls? You call and not speak. Breathing heavily into the phone? **[Then on the 5th and 6th try, Chew had just held onto the phone and struggled with his breathing to fight his overwhelming anxiety.]** What were you doing? I can be damn well sure that you didn't have both your hands on the phone what with all your screaming of "it" being so very HARD. **[His lips parted, dry and peeling skin tearing apart from each other slowly whilst he swallowed hard before he.. slammed down the phone! Grabbing his hair in frustration he screamed, "It's so HARD!!!"] apparently he didn't hang up the phone properly** You bloodly sick perv. And I hardly believe you don't have a telephone line at home. You'd better be forthcoming boy!"

**denotes a flashback to a previous chapter! =P** so original. hur hur


"Listen Mr Chew, give us your home number and we'll get your parents or guardian to come down and we'll sort this thing out peacefully," reasoned the good cop. "You're not doing yourself any good. The residents of the home you made harassing calls are already coming down here to the station. Perhaps with your parents around I could urge them to resolve this issue more favorably to yourself. Just admit you were in fact, making these prank calls and ....."

Chew could no longer absorb anything that was spoken after that. Only one thing was in his mind. If the residents were coming down, then so would Ha. Its over..... suddenly the dimly lit room seemed so much darker than before.
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3 hours later...

Chew looked up sheepishly at Ha. "Erm.. sorry. I mean thank you. And well and I'm sorry too."

"Please, there is no need for any thanks." Chew managed a weak smile at that reply silently heaving a great sigh of relief. "You helped me once back in school at the track. So now there are no debts."

Chew shivered, his teeth chattering and his spine tingling for such was the icy cold of Ha's reply. Goosebumps raised all over his body and his mucus froze uncomfortably in his nostrils when Ha threw Chew her sub-zero glare of death, "There is no longer any need for any interaction between us, physical or verbal. The debt's cleared. I have no wish to associate with your type. Seems like I was right about you to begin with, I can only thank god that I never got closer to you. Who knows what you might have done had you the chance." Ha's hand grabbed the collar of her shirt together protectively and gave a visible shudder before turning away, forever leaving Chew out of her life.

Chew gave a cry of anguish and away he fled! No longer did he have the courage to face the world nor did he care to for he had lost all that was dear to him. Into the canals he hid and upon the moss covered walls did he scratch out a rudimentary calendar that served only to remind him of the numerical amount of days that he had left civilization. Over the years he had scavenged on dead rats and the occasional government worker who foolishly entered his lair. Till one day, the townsfolk could no longer stand for the disappearances of innocent civil servants and the venture out to the canals with pitchforks and torches of flame. Alas, fate is cruel for the person to lead the demon slayers was none other than Ha! And so...

3 real hours later

"You!?" Ha stood there speechless for a moment before she strode across the room to stand in front of Chew. She pulled her arm behind her and swing it violently forward landing a hard slap onto Chew's face. The blow stung viciously both physically and emotionally and Chew could only stand there, his head thrown to the right from the blow, though of course the head was still attached. His cheek glowed red and felt hot from embarrassment and despairing resignation; perhaps it would be better to live in a canal. Ha's face was taut with anger and she felt quite betrayed at Chew's supposed actions. The room stood silent for endless seconds for it was obvious that Ha knew the perpetrator for why else would she slap him like so. Moments dragged on and then, without warning, the deafening silence was broken by a question. "Is this all there is to you?"

"You once helped me at the track. Let it never be said that I, Ha, were indebted to you. Officer, we will not press charges. I bid you good day." A finality in her words, she turned and walked off, her grandmother's arm held in tail. Such was her anger that she did not notice that her grandmother had tripped over a cat and was being dragged along and down the stairs of the building.

~Outside the building~

"Please! Stay awhile and listen to what I have to say." Kien shouted after Ha and rapidly closed up the distance in between them. Beads of perspiration rolling down the side of his face and lungs breathless from exertion, Kien hurried to catch his breath. "Listen, there really has been a misunderstanding."

"I should find that very hard to believe." Came the curt reply.

Wiping the sweat on his sleeve, Kien struggled to control his increasing dislike for this girl. "Listen here, you've already decided not to press charges. I've nothing to lose or gain from conversation. I just seek to right the wrong." He snapped out at her, "If you'd just be civil enough to listen you'll find your time worthwhile."

Giving his words some thought, Ha reluctantly nodded in the affirmative seeing that his words held true: that there wasn't any good reason for him to do all this, save the possibility that there truly was some misunderstanding. And with that Kien explained what really had happen though leaving out the bit about cupid's arrow sticking out of Chew's buttocks.

"But why would he be so nervous anyway?" Ha questioned searchingly.

Thinking quickly Kien blurted out a reply. "He's got TSD! That's why!"

"STD?" Gasped Ha in obvious shock, her lips covered from view by her upraised hand.

"No no, TSD, it.. it's a.. erm.. Telecommunication Speech deficiency! He got it when he was young.. and as the years went by he fell into despair for who could learn to befriend.. a freak. Moreover technological advancements have thrown a kaleidoscope of telecommunication devices into the retail market and these serve only to further aggravate his feeling of inadequacy and disability." Kien finished off theatrically. And with that loathe transformed into a sympathy limitless as Ha made a vow to help Chew fight this rare and deadly disease.

Satisfied with the result, Kien passed over a slip of paper with scribblings on top of it and left her as soon as he helped lift Ha's grandmother back onto her feet. A smile on his face he skipped off to find Chew who was at this time still standing there in the room with his head still tilted right.

~That night at Kien's home yet again~

"It's over.. I think I'll crawl into a hole and die. She hates me. She hates me."

Kien only smiled and repeatedly checked his watch for the time. And just on time, the phone rang. Quickly he picked up the phone, "Hi, Yes.. It's no problem, I'm glad to help. hang on a second. Chew, its for you."

Puzzled, Chew took the phone from Kien and listened and what he heard was music. "Hi Chew! it's me, Ha."

"Err-- Ha-- Hi," croaked out Chew in ritual intelligent primate greeting.

"Oh how silly of me! It must be SO hard for you. I'm so insensitive. Will you forgive me? Kien has explained everything to me so don't you worry, okay? How about we talk tomorrow during lunch say 130pm at the arts canteen where it'll be much easier for you to speak. Well, I shan't torture you any longer. Be brave okay? Goodbye, and don't say goodbye back, you've already done so well! *beep* *tooooooo......*" The phone went dead and all that was left was one very confused Teochew. To his side one Hokkien chuckled uncontrollably.


Vincent has left the building! [11:15 PM]
Food is a many splendid thing, food lift us up where we belong... All u need is food!

***

Might this be him?

Ha and Chew. If you are visiting this blog not for the first time, then you would definitely be familiar with these two. Contemplating creating four-panel comic strips based on these two characters. Here's an initial sketch of Chew, the male protagonist of my not very widely acclaimed and currently unrecognized ongoing story, "The Story of Ha and Chew."





Btw here are some jokes I read recently. Plz enjoy

So there was this Mat, Ah-neh, or insert any other race of your choice. And he won a car at a lucky draw. This racy flashy looking sports car. So he was cruising around in his sports car right? So one day he parks his car at some parking lot. So along comes a group of ah bengs. Naturally they're not too happy about seeing this Mat driving a car of such class. And so the head Beng goes up to the Mat and proceeds to draw a circle around him. Then he warns, "Eh siao eh, step out of this circle and I will beat you up." They then start to smash his car. At this point the Mat starts giggling. The head Beng sees his amusement and gets rather agitated and thus starts really smashing up the car, a-la street fighter bonus stage style. At this point the Mat is laughing out loud. Furious, the Beng turns and looks at the Mat and shouts, "Eh siao eh, I smash your car leh. What you laughing about?" Wiping tears from his eyes the Mat replies, "Well.. true.. But I've stepped out of this circle 9 times aledi! Heehee!"

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I am lame. Sorry =]


Vincent has left the building! [10:13 PM]
Food is a many splendid thing, food lift us up where we belong... All u need is food!

***